The person is not the problem!

When someone decides to consult a therapist it is due to experiencing difficulties and emotional turmoil in their life. When meeting with a therapist, a client will usually begin briefly telling the therapist about an event or an accumulation of difficulties that they are seeking help to resolve. In the early stages there may be no clear view of what the problem is, how to pinpoint or identify a resolution. Like a book that switches viewpoints from one character to another, lives have multiple threads of narrative running through it. There are different perspectives, areas of focus and different points of interest.

An important area of reflection

It is difficult to replicate something that is open to interpretation as everyone's perception of 'happy', 'perfect' or 'families' would be different due to there own experiences, values, history, challenges and pressures. Families may attempt to sanitize, exaggerate or rewrite the story, misinform facts, embellish or minimize the impact. Due to the substance of the story or traumatic events, they may naturally want to protect themselves, not want to appear superior, disappointed by lack of perceived achievements, confused or not wanting to confront past events. If events are positive though they will speak glowingly with fondness of these wonderful moments in their lives.
An important area of reflection is how often do we really discuss and reveal significant aspects of our lives and particularly our earlier life experiences? There can be a tendency to sanitize experiences as an attempt to protect ourselves and others from many conflicting emotions and the dilemma that may be raised. Such as conflicting feelings of anger, fear, embarassment, avoidance, grief and loss combined with criticism, stigma, confrontation, unwanted advice and numerous other responses. But, even when someone appears in control or stoic in their behaviour does not mean that they have not been inwardly struggling and tenuously holding it together. Others may attempt to live up to an idealistic and unrealistic view of 'Playing perfect happy families' at all costs which is a profoundly unrealistic social construct.

What does this all mean?

It is important to assist someone to find their voice and to encourage them to tell their story in their own words. By safely delving into the chapters of the story with the therapist, the client has the opportunity to slowly gain a sense of understanding and clarity. Story telling is an ideal process for working through these difficulties, for meaning making, gaining insight and finding new purpose in life. It is important to acknowledge that the story behind the events is significant and can be told and interpreted in a hundred different ways as each person's view will and can be interpreted differently. People will believe that their considered opinion is right and will explain the meaning that they have given to these events. No matter the complexity or the accuracy of the interpretation.
It is really important as a counsellor to help clients to readjust the imbalance of emotions and to explore the incongruence that has developed. The counselling process supports the client to explore their struggles and concerns that are impacting their life and relationships. Counsellors do not give concrete advice or a rigid checklist of things to do to feel better, instead they support the client to gain insight and understanding. This does not mean that a person who is finding it difficult to cope is a failure. On the contrary, they may have just simply reached their limit. Mental Health difficulties should not be minimized or invalidated. As we do not initially know the complete story or the level of emotional intensity being experienced. Problems emerge in everyone's lives due to a variety of factors.

Viewing the person as a 'whole' functioning individual

People also respond differently to change and transitions especially if a sudden change occurs. Some will attack it 'head on' and perceive it as a glitch in time while other individuals feel swamped with despair or stress depending upon the circumstances. The realisation that your life may not be perfect as once thought or will not be the same raises alarm bells and emotional upheaval that impacts a life and outlook. Through a 'warts and all' review and reauthoring of our stories enables the processing of sensitive issues and experiences. The client, with support of the counsellor are able to develop greater understanding regarding their early story or whatever is happening for them in the 'here and now' and why they are responding in the way they are at that moment. This will provide meaning to these experiences and gives them a more positive and functional identity. In these therapeutic relationships, it is understood that the client is the expert in his or her own life and story. The client knows that their own story intimately, they have the skills and knowledge of the situation. People just need patience and understanding of the part they play within these complex difficulties. It is important to note that part of the process is learning and acknowledgin their behaviours that may be causing difficulties for themselves and others. This does not mean that they are bad, but have over time adjusted their behaviours and responses to protect themselves from perceived threats or continued threats of violence, forms of abuse, bullying, also work based bullying, isolation, grief and loss. There are numerous threats that result in negative throughts and emotions which ensures that people in their future may have the tendency to lack confidence and are inclined to have difficultieds regarding belieg in what they feel they are capable of. Others may look towards all types of habits that may start out as a social release and eventually manifest as a full blown addiction due to the motional turmoil and the inability to resolve complex emotions and stresses and will be them and other significant people in their lives.
It is important to view people as a whole and functioning individual who engage in learnt patterns of thought or behaviours that they would like to change. Problems being faced are viewed as separate from the person and assumes that they have many skills, competencies, beliefs, values, commitments and abilities that will assist them to reduce the influence of problems in their lives. Counsellors work with their clients to unpack areas of difficulty, discuss their viewpoints, and interpretations of events or experiences. Not to invalidate their experience but to validate them. Clients are invited to discuss their difficulties to a point where they still feel comfortable and safe. By gently working through experiences and assisting them in making sense of the problem and its cause. Clients are enabled and encouraged to vent difficult emotions in a non-judgemental environment. This helps open up honest dialogue regarding the problematic behaviours or feelings.

What can I do if I feel concerned for someone or myself?

I recommend that if you have concerns regarding your wellbeing, a family member, work colleague or a friend please contact Sonder Counselling Services for some friendly guidance. It can be difficult for someone to recognise that they may be under stress or not coping. It does not hurt to mention counselling support or decide to see a counsellor yourself. Support is available. I believe early intervention is important rather than feeling the need to 'suck it up' or wait until the problem or difficulties are having even greater impact. Self care is important. It is far more significant and brave to admit to yourself or others that you/they are overwhelmed rather than struggle along feeling miserable and isolated. This is not helpful for yourself and others.